Colin onstage. Mike enters, holding the box for the board game, Settlers of Cataan.
Mike: Hey, Colin.
Colin picks up phone, texts.
Mike’s phone buzzes. Mike checks phone.
Mike: (reads text): “Hey.” (Mike texts back.) “Try talking to me in person.”
Colin: (directly, to Mike): What’s in the box?
Mike: It’s a board game.
Colin: What’s it called?
Mike: “Settlers of Cataan.”
Colin: Fuck that shit. Settlers of Cataan? Sounds boring and complicated like Risk or Shit.
Mike: But according to the internet…
Colin: That it’s fucking shit.
Mike: Internet says that? No, they say Settlers of Cataan is a delight.
Colin: I heard Settlers of Cataan is way too complicated.
Mike: Nonsense, it’s simple. Says so on the box: “For fans of Rock Paper Scissors and Tic-Tac-Toe.”
Colin: OK, let’s play.
Mike tries to open the box.
Mike: Having troubles opening it.
Mike tries to open the box.
Mike: Fucking shit!
Colin: Mike, take it easy. I’ll open that for you.
Colin tries to open box, can’t.
Colin: Fucking shit!
Mike: There must be a way to open that Settlers of Cataan box.
Colin: There is. Look, instructions!
Colin pulls out an instruction booklet from the box.
Colin: “Hello, and thank you for purchasing The Settlers of Cataan, the offical game of Settler of Cataan. Contents: one box of The Settlers of Cataan, one instruction booklet on how to open the box to The Setters of Cataan.”
Mike: Sounds simple so far.
Colin: “Picture yourself in the era of discoveries: after a long voyage of great deprivation, your ships have finally reached the coast of an uncharted island. Its name shall be Cataan! But you are not the only discoverer. Other fearless seafarers have also landed on the shores of Cataan: the race to settle the island has begun!”
Mike: What’s it say about opening the box?
Colin: “Instructions to opening the box of Settlers of Cataan. Thank you for purchasing Settlers of Cataan, the intelligent board game for people for who can open boxes.”
Mike: Fuck this shit. I’m going to open this myself. What’s the worst that could happens.
Mike struggles to open box. Box shoots Mike.
Mike: The box shot me!
Colin: I know, Michael. I planned it this way.
Mike: Wait, why, Colin? Also, I prefer Mike to Michael.
Colin: I’ll tell you why I rigged that Settlers of Cataan box to shoot you. For you see: I am a settler of Cataan.
Colin: It’s true. My family, after a long voyage of great deprivation, finally reached the coast of an uncharted island.
Mike: I’m losing blood.
Colin: I wanted to call the island Cool Isle, but, no, a vote was taken, and I lost, thirty eight to one.
Mike: Must remove bullet.
Mike removes bullet and attends to his wound, while Colin continues.
Colin: We were happy on Cool Isle. I opened a bar, Colin’s Cool Isle Bar of Cataan. I didn’t want to leave, I was settled. But there were others approaching, so, yeah.
Mike: No reason to shoot me. Good thing I know self-surgery. I feel much better.
Mike: What is that?
Colin: I’m pantomining handing you a box of the board game Sorry.
Mike: Are you trying to tell me you’re sorry?
Colin: No. (to audience) Our next sketch takes place in outer space.